I’m a 30 year old man. When I was 5-6 my parents hired a baby sitter for when they went out. I remember one night it was time for bed, he was laying next to me. He asked me “Do you want to see a magic trick?” I said yes. He then pulled the blankets down and showed me he erect P*nis. He then said watch the magic trick and finished himself to completion. He did it a few more times. I remember my parents, me and him were sitting there one day and I said “ hey show my mom and dad your magic trick.” He acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about. Every time I tried to say something about it, he would tell me shhh and that later that day he told me “it’s our secret.” I wish I could find that man today... I wish so badly I could ask him why he did that. I was just a small boy.

My parents split up in August of 2018. I was so mad at him for everything he did to me and my family, including my mom. He chose hard drugs, and to cheat on my mom with her childhood bestfriend. I texted him once in a while, because I was 15 and I wanted to make sure my dad knew I didn’t hate him. Then I cut off contact with him after seeing him again in December and hugging him for the last time. I was never able to see him. In March 2021, (my room was right beside the front door) I took a nap at 6pm and woke up at 8pm, to the front door being opened and my mom talking at the door, my grandma was crying and my siblings were upstairs. I was so confused and my grandma comforted me while crying, I asked her if my dad was dead. She said “yes my girl.. he killed himself..” I was in shock at first and I let out the most blood curdling cry. I regret not talking to him. I believe that it’s my fault he’s dead, because I didn’t talk to him. I have the last message he sent to me, and I read it almost every day. I wish I could have done something to save him. Maybe I could have stopped him.

• August 5, 2023