I tired committing suicide in 3rd grade. I absolutely hated myself and I hated faking a smile for everyone. I was considered the smart one in all my classes so I had to give others the answers just for me to have “friends” or not to be not “alone”. To this day I am still alone but I have a boyfriend and I can’t see why he loves me. He tells me everyday and I told him I tried committing suicide but he didn’t believe me. He said I was too scared to do such a thing. Explain the cuts on my wrist in 6th grade? Again I never really asked for this life and I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m in 8th grade and I’m completely lost with myself. I can’t tell my parents anything or else I’ll get my room taken away for being a bad child. I needed to get this off my chest. I’m sorry.

I am so scared of becoming nothing in life. Although I wasn't born in the best of situations, I always knew that I had the ability to stand out. By the time I reached high school I was in Stuyvesant, skipped 3 grades in math, 2 in science, and 1 in languages. My whole life my parents and I expected me to achieve something great. But I got addicted to drugs and f*cked up my grades to the point where idk if I can go anywhere except community College. I've been trying to stay sober these days and get back to the person who I feel like I should be but I find myself slipping more into my old ways every day that goes by. All I ever wanted to be in life was a doctor, to help people and do something significant with my life. And I hate myself for being mediocre when everything is telling me I can be more. I had so many doors open to me, and i feel like I locked them all. And the worst thing is, I still have all the keys in my hand, I just don't have the strength to turn them.

• July 27, 2023