i’m 13 and i was hooking up with a 15 year old guy and then he starts asking for head and i keep saying no. he then asks if he can get head if he fingers me. i say no. he starts putting his hands under my pants and i try to take them out. the first two times he takes them out. the third time i physically tried to take them out and he said, “shut up you’re being too loud you’re going to get us caught.” he told me if he can do it on top of my underwear and i said ok because he wouldn’t stop asking. he did it under and i gave up. then when he finished he asked for head and i said no. he said, “i just fingered the fuck out of u.” i got on my knees and i said i don’t want to do this anymore and then he pushed my head in. i don’t know what to do because i can’t tell my parents and he is denying it and telling people. everyone is going to think i’m a slut.

My parents split up in August of 2018. I was so mad at him for everything he did to me and my family, including my mom. He chose hard drugs, and to cheat on my mom with her childhood bestfriend. I texted him once in a while, because I was 15 and I wanted to make sure my dad knew I didn’t hate him. Then I cut off contact with him after seeing him again in December and hugging him for the last time. I was never able to see him. In March 2021, (my room was right beside the front door) I took a nap at 6pm and woke up at 8pm, to the front door being opened and my mom talking at the door, my grandma was crying and my siblings were upstairs. I was so confused and my grandma comforted me while crying, I asked her if my dad was dead. She said “yes my girl.. he killed himself..” I was in shock at first and I let out the most blood curdling cry. I regret not talking to him. I believe that it’s my fault he’s dead, because I didn’t talk to him. I have the last message he sent to me, and I read it almost every day. I wish I could have done something to save him. Maybe I could have stopped him.

• August 5, 2023