My husband has not been diagnosed but he has narcissistic traits, he is a good provider but has the humor or a 12 year old child who thinks picking on bodies and making fun of others is funny he does this every day. I cannot talk to him about any of my feelings as he takes them as a personal attack and starts to make up so many things about me I start to feel crazy and have ended up being the one apologizing for bringing things up. A long time ago when I still cared he cheated, flirted with other girls on fb and I caught him and he would get mad at me for making a big deal because he is only “joking” with “good friends” and I “make a big deal” he has hit me a few times throughout our marriage, and grabbed me against the wall squeezing my jaw or neck. These things are far and few between because when he is mad I just ignore him don’t yell back to not escalate things to that point again. My families does not know any of this as I never tell them and everyone thinks he’s a nice guy with a “bit of a temper” I don’t love him anymore, my 2 kids will be adults in just a couple years and I want to keep enduring it until then as I don’t want to put them through a divorce but I feel so fake being a “caring” wife when in reality everyday I wish he would die. I literally pray about it and feel horrible for doing so but every time he walks through the door it’s a bit of disappointment that he makes it back followed by anxiety about what he will point out I did wrong for the day or what will trigger his anger. Even when he is in a good mood I avoid him because I don’t want to be intimate with him anymore. It’s such a relief when he passes out drunk every day and I feel my body just relax. I would never do anything to harm him of course that’s not who I am.