When I was around 10 y/o, I was sitting in bed reading a book at around.. 1 AM. So, naturally when I heard my aunt (whom was staying with us at the time) walk down stairs, coming closer to my room, I hurried and pretended to be asleep. She walked in my room slowly.. And quietly. (I was a good actor) I could feel her staring at me.. And eventually, she just broke out in tears. But I stayed silent. Still pretending. All I could think about was (god how much of a weirdo is she??) And she left after a few minutes. The next day I woke up to see that my aunt had killed herself in the bathroom that night, and she simply wanted to get another look at her niece before she ended it all. I have felt guilt ever since.. Simply thinking that maybe.. Maybe if I had just owned up to being awake, she would still be alive. I don't know how to rid of the guilt that follows me around everyday..

I don’t really know how to say any of this but oh well… when I had just started middle school (September 5-6th), later that month the 25th me and my family of 8 got evicted, parents got divorced while family was broken up pretty much, my siblings and I were barely close, none of us talked to each other really except when we had nothing nice to say we still said it.. but now we are all REALLY broken up. Sister moved, brother idk tbh, 3 other sister are with my dad, and what if “Emma” doesn't know what to do when she needs help. She’s not even 10, she was pretty much born into homelessness and has never really had a place to call “home”, everyone of us had lost hope for anything. I feel like my mom is depressed, and I wish I could help her but idk how. And I’ve secretly always wanted to bring up a convo we’re she can talk about her feelings with me but her being an adult and me being a teenager “I won’t understand” it “your too young to know what it feels like”. And every one just expects so much out of anyone now that it’s like oh you HAVE to be happy or you HAVE to smile.. you can’t just take a breather or have time to yourself, your failing in life, your failing in school, your chores aren’t done. I know that probably didn’t make sense or end up going anywhere but I just wanna give a big ole FUCK YOU to the world.

• April 24, 2023