Sometimes I crave the feeling of being hated and completely alone. I always feel like a burden to those around me, but I know they love me. It's almost as if I am being punished for hating myself by realizing what would happen if I pulled the trigger. If I could talk harshly or spin ill-thought lies and break the hearts of those around me maybe then I could really feel alone, get what I deserve; but I can't, I'm only a bad person when no one is around. I'm too much of a coward to reveal my true self, the one that's struggled with disgusting habits, the one that can't say no, the one that will never change deep within. So instead I bite my tongue and lather them up with witty words and paint myself pretty. If I won't allow myself to indulge in their words, I guess I'll survive only to feed off my own pathetically shaming insults.

I been thinking real hard about even relaying these awful things about the person that I have admired the most, the person I have respected and revered my whole life but that now, has completely backstabbed me in the worst way possible. A few years ago, a scandal broke in my political family involving my mother. As you can imagine, it nearly broke my marriage and tore my husband’s family apart. My sister in law found my father in law and my mom talking on social media. The worst part of it, when I was confronted, I was accused of knowing about the whole affair and made it looked like I was an accomplice to the whole ordeal. When I had absolutely no clue to such a disgusting mess. I don’t know what neither of them were trying to accomplish and now, I’m the black sheep of the family. No one talks to me. While my father in law is still loved and honored. My mother the home wrecker and I pay the sins of her ordeals. She never once has said I’m sorry. Never! In her head, I’m better off without that side of the family. But it’s not about that; why did she do this to me? Why my father in law? Among so many men? Why him! I guess I’m just looking for an explanation and I know I will never get it from her. Because she just cannot accept she did anything wrong. I wish I could get her version because as of now, I only know everyone else’s but her’s. I always thought I didn’t need to hear her side because it’s not my place to question her, but I have kids who now have to suffer for her sins as well. I don’t think it’s fair to them either. I guess the damage is done as well and the past is the past. I won’t get nothing accomplished but I just want an acknowledgment from her part that she messed up.

• August 12, 2023