Most people look at an 18 year old and think nothing. Whenever they look at me, an 18 y/o senior who's best friends with freshmen, they see a pedophile, predator and a creep. I love those freshman to death, they're my best friends. All my other friends my age are the problem, they call me those names, spread rumors that I'm doing things with the freshmen. There's nothing wrong with being friends, they look up to me as a big brother and parent figure because they have bad families. I say I'm mentoring and looking after them, I feel like I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing the best I can to protect and comfort these scared and skiddish people and I get nothing but hate in return for it. I'm scared to show them I care for them,, I'm scared to hug them due to the fear that things will get worse.. I try to not let it get to me but I can only take so much of it before it breaks me.

I am so scared of becoming nothing in life. Although I wasn't born in the best of situations, I always knew that I had the ability to stand out. By the time I reached high school I was in Stuyvesant, skipped 3 grades in math, 2 in science, and 1 in languages. My whole life my parents and I expected me to achieve something great. But I got addicted to drugs and f*cked up my grades to the point where idk if I can go anywhere except community College. I've been trying to stay sober these days and get back to the person who I feel like I should be but I find myself slipping more into my old ways every day that goes by. All I ever wanted to be in life was a doctor, to help people and do something significant with my life. And I hate myself for being mediocre when everything is telling me I can be more. I had so many doors open to me, and i feel like I locked them all. And the worst thing is, I still have all the keys in my hand, I just don't have the strength to turn them.

• July 27, 2023