When I was about 5 or 6 I went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife when I was staying at my grandmas house, I held it to my stomach (I was going through a rough time at that age no one knows this except my partner but I believe they disregarded it which is okay) I was put through a lot and almost didn’t know how to handle it..i stopped myself due to me wanting to know what else there was for me. When I was 10 some one close to me passed away.. I don’t know how to show emotions let alone I just keep everything in since their death because I feel like no one would understand my thoughts and situations without judgement, I’ve tried therapy (I was made fun of from my parent for doing so) but I still went for the sake of it, still didn’t work too well..(I still hold in so much to this day that little by little I feel heavy slowly hurting myself holding it in) but I try to smile and help friends, family and my partner to be happy there is so much I want to rant about or just cry and scream just about everything but it’s the fear of putting that wall down I guess.. if your anything like me in this type of situation.. one word of advice.. let it go and let it out before it’s too late, get that BS off your chest and do things without regret you only live once don’t take anything for granted.

I been thinking real hard about even relaying these awful things about the person that I have admired the most, the person I have respected and revered my whole life but that now, has completely backstabbed me in the worst way possible. A few years ago, a scandal broke in my political family involving my mother. As you can imagine, it nearly broke my marriage and tore my husband’s family apart. My sister in law found my father in law and my mom talking on social media. The worst part of it, when I was confronted, I was accused of knowing about the whole affair and made it looked like I was an accomplice to the whole ordeal. When I had absolutely no clue to such a disgusting mess. I don’t know what neither of them were trying to accomplish and now, I’m the black sheep of the family. No one talks to me. While my father in law is still loved and honored. My mother the home wrecker and I pay the sins of her ordeals. She never once has said I’m sorry. Never! In her head, I’m better off without that side of the family. But it’s not about that; why did she do this to me? Why my father in law? Among so many men? Why him! I guess I’m just looking for an explanation and I know I will never get it from her. Because she just cannot accept she did anything wrong. I wish I could get her version because as of now, I only know everyone else’s but her’s. I always thought I didn’t need to hear her side because it’s not my place to question her, but I have kids who now have to suffer for her sins as well. I don’t think it’s fair to them either. I guess the damage is done as well and the past is the past. I won’t get nothing accomplished but I just want an acknowledgment from her part that she messed up.

• August 12, 2023