When I was 10 I had this massive crush on a girl but it turned put she liked my bsf and my bsf only liked her back bc my crush like my bsf (if that makes sense) my bsf liked my crush for 2 months I had liked this girl for almost over a year I wanted the best for my bsf but the was like betraying myself, and I haven't told my her (my crush) that I like her and then from there everything started to fall apart… My friendships broke apart I, started sh again ( which I had pledged I would never do a agian) I had to call ‘kidshelpline’ bc I was about to try cutting myself again, I started having big arguments with my parents which didn’t really help me at the time…I started comparing myself to my bsf bc somehow my crush like my bsf and not me and I started doubting myself “if was good enough” or “no one loves me”… I regret not telling anyone because then they might have helped me…

My parents split up in August of 2018. I was so mad at him for everything he did to me and my family, including my mom. He chose hard drugs, and to cheat on my mom with her childhood bestfriend. I texted him once in a while, because I was 15 and I wanted to make sure my dad knew I didn’t hate him. Then I cut off contact with him after seeing him again in December and hugging him for the last time. I was never able to see him. In March 2021, (my room was right beside the front door) I took a nap at 6pm and woke up at 8pm, to the front door being opened and my mom talking at the door, my grandma was crying and my siblings were upstairs. I was so confused and my grandma comforted me while crying, I asked her if my dad was dead. She said “yes my girl.. he killed himself..” I was in shock at first and I let out the most blood curdling cry. I regret not talking to him. I believe that it’s my fault he’s dead, because I didn’t talk to him. I have the last message he sent to me, and I read it almost every day. I wish I could have done something to save him. Maybe I could have stopped him.

• August 5, 2023