Turned 21 recently and it wasn’t until December I actually had my first experience with a girl in terms of kissing, having sex, and even holding hands. I’ve been told I’m really attractive as a kid and all my life really but I suffer a lot mentally with the notion that I am ugly and worth nothing. So once I turned 14 all I focused on was working and trying to make something of myself. Never went to parties, dates, hung out with friends, never even had a friend over at my house my whole life. Never been to my own friends birthday party. Now that I’m 21 and fairly successful for my age making great money w/ my own business, I regret it. I should’ve just focused on living my life and experiencing what love is years ago. I feel like I lost most of my youth because I was forced to grow up so soon.

Me and my cousin and my brother were playing and all of a sudden my cousin tells my brother to look away, he then tells me to sit on the couch, we were upstairs in his hosue, his mom was doensirars in the kitchen. He told me to let me see doen there, I think I was about 9 or 10 or 11. And I said no a lot of times, I kept making excuses like “thats disgusting and yoyr mom will see us”, this retard actually said it’s ok take a photo on my iPad. Like bro what. Chile then I was like no man just stop leave me alone and leave it alone. Somehow after 10 minutes he convinced me(threatened me by saying he’ll tell his mom I showed it) and I was like fine, he’s ugly he don’t get no girls, lemme show some pity. Then he looked at it, and then it was awkward so I told my brother let’s go(keep in mind his head never looked back so he didn’t know) and then we went home and I was like, fuck no, even if it isn’t that serious, my mom would kill me, so I went to his house the next day, and we’re were playing in his garage, and he told me my bike’s brake doesn’t work(apparently he forgot all about touching and shit), so I was lik “o ok do I have to carry you or, he’s like bruh y you being so mean, at least one guy has interest in you,. And all I could think of was revenge, the day ended up in him in the hospital with a broken leg and broken arm:)

• July 2, 2023