my mother told me this morning in the car that losing a kid to suicide is the worst thing to ever happen to a parent. one part of me wanted to yell at her, not because she wasn't correct, but because she won't let me leave. i'm stuck here. my life has no meaning, i have to pretend like i'm a different person in front of my parents because they hate what i really am, not because they're awful people but because they're misguided. I can't change them, I can't leave, i can't make myself happy. if i leave, they'll hate themselves. they'll wonder what they did wrong. they'll be calling me over and over again but to no avail as i don't pick up the phone. the crippling guilt i'd feel over leaving is worse than me bottling everything up. if i stay, and make myself happy, they'll hate me. they'll hate me for what i am and who i love. i've heard how they talk about people like me, and i don't want them to talk about me like that. my only way out is suicide, and even when that inevitably happens i'll be breaking my family in half. people feeling sad for me isn't what i want. when i die i want people to be happy to know maybe i won't be absolutely utterly miserable in death. i want people to know i wouldn't hurt anymore. for me, suicide isn't a bad thing. it's my only way out.