I started having very vivid dreams of my male family members raping me and it got to the point to where i wasnt able to sleep unless someone was with me. It got so bad i ended up telling my therapist about it and she said theres a chance that its memories i forced myself to forget that are coming back to me. Ive always been scared to be alone with males but it was really bad around my dad and grandpa and my dreams were mostly of them. I wouldnt be surprised if they did those things, my dads a bad person but the thing is, i cant tell anyone because im not sure how to say it without sounding like im just making it up.

My parents split up in August of 2018. I was so mad at him for everything he did to me and my family, including my mom. He chose hard drugs, and to cheat on my mom with her childhood bestfriend. I texted him once in a while, because I was 15 and I wanted to make sure my dad knew I didn’t hate him. Then I cut off contact with him after seeing him again in December and hugging him for the last time. I was never able to see him. In March 2021, (my room was right beside the front door) I took a nap at 6pm and woke up at 8pm, to the front door being opened and my mom talking at the door, my grandma was crying and my siblings were upstairs. I was so confused and my grandma comforted me while crying, I asked her if my dad was dead. She said “yes my girl.. he killed himself..” I was in shock at first and I let out the most blood curdling cry. I regret not talking to him. I believe that it’s my fault he’s dead, because I didn’t talk to him. I have the last message he sent to me, and I read it almost every day. I wish I could have done something to save him. Maybe I could have stopped him.

• August 5, 2023