Once I made a cotton gin

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Once I made a cotton gin

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I’m in love with my best friend. probably not love but more like a really bad fixating crush. i tried convincing myself it was something else or that i was confused but that only made it worse. I’m not really in or out of the closet right now and a couple people know i like guys too, but he doesn’t and if i told him it would change our relationship. he would probably be cool about it but i know he couldn’t ever feel the same way about me and it hurts so badly. instead of it making me want to get closer to him it makes me distance myself further away and it’s getting worse. sometimes i wish i was living a completely different life or never having been born at all because then i wouldn’t feel this way.

July 28, 2023

I threatened my math teacher and I fucking regert it. I liked her which was weird asf. But back then she changed my life. And now it’s her fault I despise life and her. It’s also why I wish I was dead. Even back then I made up for the things I did to her. Be her teacher assistant. We liked eachother (enjoyed eachother not liked liked) she said she forgave me but hey she left me:)

July 3, 2023

When I was about 13 my close friend had got heavily addicted to methamphetamine. and would go out for days staying out on the street with the other addicts our age and older. I knew how dangerous it was out there especially for her to be a underage female out on the street and I knew there was nothing I could say to stop her. So every night she was out sleeping on the street I would too, duck, dodge and out run the police with her, when she didn’t have enough money to buy I would help and we could scrimp up every penny we could, we’d go around in stolen cars and stay in abandoned houses, crash at a strangers place. For about a year I helped feed her addiction, and I watched it eat and take over her. Change her into a different person. Im fortunate enough to not have gotten addicted to such a thing, but there’s been times I’ve slipped up and if it wasn’t for my friend I would’ve done. When she first got sober it was hard to quit hanging around the streets. I stayed around a bit longer than she did. She would tell our old friends if they ever seen me out in on the street take me to their house. I can’t help but wonder if I didn’t go to the lengths I did for my friend, than who knows where’d she be right now. Where I’d be..

June 29, 2023

My great grandmother was around 92 years old when she passed away. Throughout my life I have seen her a lot since she lives relatively close (about 20-30 mins away). I moved away to florida for college in 2020. Fall of my freshman year in college covid was huge and my great grandmother wasn’t doing too well. Spring rolled around and my great grandmother had beaten covid and pneumonia. She was a very strong woman. I was about a month away from being home when she was put in the hospital again for covid symptoms. Everything seemed to be fine with her health but my mom asked me to facetime her cause she missed me. I facetimed her later that night and promised her I would see her in a month. She passed away about a week later while I was on spring break. It was slightly unexpected given her age and health condition. I was at the bar with my friends. Safe to say it changed my night around really fast. I was 3 hours away from my school with friends for spring break. My parents didn’t want to fly me all the way up the next day for the funeral and ruin the rest of my vacation because it was a decent amount of money to fly on such short notice. I watched the funeral from a room at my friends beach house. I couldn’t help but cry because of how awful I felt that I couldn’t be there. My regret isn’t that I wasn’t able to say bye. My regret is all the times I could’ve gone over there when i got older and had a car and chose not to because she lived so close and I thought I saw her enough with my family. When I got back home for summer break I went to her grave to honor the last promise I made to her. Just wish I could’ve did it in person.

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i want to die. it’s crazy this is the first time I’ve actually written that because I’m scared of the truth. I always thought mentally I was okay. I thought I could do it or I could just forget I’m sad. I know, it sounds stupid but genuinely I want to be happy. I want to stop thinking I’ll kill myself. I want to stop trying to find excuses why I should stay alive. Recently the excuse of my mom hasn’t been helping. And now I’m scared one day I’ll be done.it started after my cousin touched me when I was 6. i remember it like it was yesterday. I removed the feelings I had while he touched me. I remember the fear I felt and how I wanted to run. I remember all the people in the room watching it happen and not helping. I also remember me not saying anything for weeks because I was afraid my family would yell at me. And then it happened when I was 9, 11 and 14. I remember everything and I’ve never told a soul what happened. I mean ofc people know but not how many times or who did it. I refuse to be labeled as a victim. Because those who are, are just the victims. Not the survivors and not the ones who made a change. I can’t go to my friends because they never really have time for me. I’ll make time for them always idc I worked three full time jobs at once and always made time. But I understand sometimes it might be harder for others. It’s okay.

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My brother just passed away. It was tragic, an accident. We were extremely close in age, so we were best friends. It was/is the worst thing i’ve ever been through. But what tears me apart is that i’m somehow happier than I was before he died. Not because of him, but because I hated myself before. I hated who I was and was miserable all of the time. Depressed, anxious, and just miserable. Now i’m happy, lively, I have drive and motivation which I never had before. I think it’s because the day he died, I died with him. That version of myself died because it crushed my entire soul and being. And because I hated her, i’m happy that she’s gone. I just hate that THIS was what got rid of her. It changed my life and made me better. I feel so guilty all the time for being happy, especially so soon after it happened. It tears me apart. I shouldn’t be so okay. I want him back more than anything, and I’d be that miserable version of myself forever if it meant he’d still be here.

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