I was abused a lot throughout my childhood. I was starved, hit, verbally abused and a lot more by my mother. My dad eventually found out and he divorced her, getting full custody of my brother and I. Despite all of the stuff she’s put me through, I want to see her again. Now my dad has remarried to a nicer lady who is the best person I’ve ever met, but I still miss my old mom, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see the new lady as my mom. I’ve never been able to tell anyone because of how guilty I feel about it.

My parents split up in August of 2018. I was so mad at him for everything he did to me and my family, including my mom. He chose hard drugs, and to cheat on my mom with her childhood bestfriend. I texted him once in a while, because I was 15 and I wanted to make sure my dad knew I didn’t hate him. Then I cut off contact with him after seeing him again in December and hugging him for the last time. I was never able to see him. In March 2021, (my room was right beside the front door) I took a nap at 6pm and woke up at 8pm, to the front door being opened and my mom talking at the door, my grandma was crying and my siblings were upstairs. I was so confused and my grandma comforted me while crying, I asked her if my dad was dead. She said “yes my girl.. he killed himself..” I was in shock at first and I let out the most blood curdling cry. I regret not talking to him. I believe that it’s my fault he’s dead, because I didn’t talk to him. I have the last message he sent to me, and I read it almost every day. I wish I could have done something to save him. Maybe I could have stopped him.

• August 5, 2023