The night before my brother died from internal bleeding I could have taken him to the hospital and I didnt because he said he was fine and I was drunk. He promised me he felt fine and he would go to the hospital in the morning. He fell asleep and I kissed him and told him I loved him even though he probably didnt hear me. I woke up the next day to a phone call saying he died en route to the hospital. What if I didnt listen to him and drove us or called someone? I lost my baby brother because I thought there was another day and I regret not taking him. 5 years later at the age of 31 it still eats me alive. Sleeping or awake. Trying to explain to my kids who their uncle is they never got to meet. Its my fault.

I have always had a secret I wanted to let go of. I have problems with everything I do. It doesn’t sound that big but I think of everything I do every single day. It’s like I overthink but x10 today my dad was yelling at me and my brother for waking up late for school and I started crying. He felt really bad and I started crying even more when I realized why he was that mad he had went to sleep after 3 am and was tired he woke up early to drive down to crispy Cremes just to get us Valentine’s Day donuts I feel like I ruined his Valentine’s Day really badly and I started crying after school because my dad didn’t feel good (didn’t have covid he took a test) and he STILL had to go to work he gets off of work at midnight everyday I feel so freaking bad and I feel like it’s my fault for everything. I didn’t even finish my donut because I was so sad. I cry writing this because I love him so much and I would die for him so it hurts to see my parents try so hard just for me to be upset about something so little. I hate myself and I deserve to go to hell

• July 29, 2023