So, um... When I was third grade, I was playing kitchen set with fake food, fake utensils, and more fake kitchen things. So, umm... I put the fake knife in my pocket to hold it on for a few moment and I forgot that I had the toy knife in my pocket when my bus came. My bus came to pick me up to take me to school. So, I went to school with toy knife in my pocket. When the recess time came, I was so excited that I stood up abruptly and the toy knife flew across the class. My teacher got so scared and went over to the toh knife. She picked it up and demanded to know who did that you knife belongs to. I recognize that tog knife and raised my hand. She got so pissed and took me to principal office to call my mom to come to school to pick me up. My teacher assumed that I brought toy knife to threaten others and hurt others. I was so scared that I blamed to my five years old brother. She demanded to send me back to home. And that was the worst eightieth birthday.

During my last years of college, I met this real cool dude named John. We got along great, he was in a few of my classes, and he was just a nice, normal guy. Before long, he just became another friend in my little gang of diverse friends. Right from the start, I knew he was a straight guy. He talked about women, looked at women, dated women, and hooked up with women. Totally normal. Then near the end of college, I noticed he started to change. It became clear pretty quickly that he had become interested in me. (FYI: I’m a transgender woman.) Well, I freaked bc. well, I’m not a cis-female. So I did everything I could to avoid him. I also didn’t want to tell him the truth either. (Fear) Then he started sending me flowers, messages on social media, you know.. the usual I’m-interested-in-you-stuff. I completely ignored them. I know not telling him the truth was a terrible thing to do, but I couldn’t. I was scared and I didn’t want him to be embarrassed/humiliated. At the end of my senior year, I left without ever seeing him again. Years later, my old friend group found each other again, including him. He told some of them that he was still in love with (the old) me, that I was “that girl” to him, and that I was the “one who got away.” I still haven’t seen him and when he’s going to hang out with our friends, I don’t go. I feel like the sh*ttiest person alive because this situation should’ve NEVER gone on this long. And it was all bc. I was too scared to tell him the truth. I seriously don’t know if I should tell him now, after all these years, or just keep letting him think about someone he thinks is a 100% real woman.

• June 6, 2023