I grew up thinking my father was the bad guy because it’s all I’ve ever been told. On any holiday I would always break the things he got me because “he left us” and scream at him all the time. I recently found out that it was my mother who drove him away. She didn’t want him anymore. He passed away a few months ago and my last words to him were “fuck off, all you ever do is leave so go on and leave already” my mother let me scare him away because she didn’t want him.

I hate myself with every bone in my body. Nobody likes me at school, my friends all suck. I'll never be popular. I'm going no where. I'm afraid this is where my life will peak, and it isn't even that far up. I'm scared my life will all reflect off of this, that for the rest of my life everyone will think of the shy unpopular no friends girl and decide I wouldn't be a good friend. What if I'm stuck with this personality of mine for the rest of my life? What if I can never come out of my shell? What if my life amounts to absolutely nothing? I have big dreams, like to be a guitarist, artist, author, poet, environmentalist, but I don't think that'll happen. My dad wants me to go to college. My dad wants me to be a teacher and stay here in this little town and have a family. I want a family, but i want to travel. I dont want to have a sucky teaching job. I don't want to be stuck with someone or a job or even a life I hate. I'm scared. I'm terrified. It feels like my entire life is based off of what I decide to do right now and I just can't. I cant decide. I wanna stay young but I also want to have friends. I want to grow up and have a better life but at the same time I'm scared it'll be worst.

• July 11, 2023