I should be dead already. Every year of my life, the gods have thrown something at me that should have killed me. From the ages 0-15 I dealt with a lot of medical issues. Seizures, dangerous blood sugar drops/spikes, my bones breaking easily. I also almost chocked to death on several occasions. From the ages 15-now, (I’m 19), my medical issues have lessened. But my depression and dealing with my Trauma has risen. I’m suicidal. I’ve tried to commit 3 times. Written far more suicide notes then I’d like to admit. I am getting help now, for everything. I guess I’m just… a mix of happy and proud that I made it? And no one in my life truly understands the hype of me surviving this long. They have no idea how much of a struggle it was.

So this past year idk what’s wrong but I’ve felt very empty. Like you do t know what ur going to do and everyday just seems like it’s repetitive like the last. I’m not really good at sharing my feeling and I’ve never really shared my feeling with anyone before. I always put a fake smile on my face before going somewhere. On the other hand my relationship with my parents isn’t good either. My mom constantly gets mad at me for the tiniest things. And I guess I too have started talking back. But sometimes I just try to defend myself because she misunderstood me and apparently I’m the bad guy. Me and my dad don’t talk to much. Recently he was drunk and was helping my little sister (she was online this year and I was supposed to teach her). My parents always told me to help her Even though I had work to do. This was the first time her ever helped her so I said “ your only helping her because your drunk and don’t want to insult yourself.” I have a very bad problem with watching what comes out of my mouth and I hate myself for it. Anyways we haven’t talked since then and I feel very bad. But both my parents make me feel like a mistake. They are not abusive but I still get my fair share of slaps. But the always tell me how they should’ve never had me and how I am a burden in their life. I could go one for hours about what they have told me. I have a journal that I keep everything in. Plus my dad is always drunk and rn he is in his car drinking. My mom doesn’t know how to drive so I have to ask him for everything. Plus I am also dealing with body image issues. I have started eating less and working out more. My mom what on to me because apparently I always exercise and never help her. This started about three years ago when my dad made a bet with me that if I lost twenty pounds in a month I would get hundred dollars. I didn’t take it seriously but then my uncle and everyone started painting it out too. I was overweight then and had people especially family make fun of me. So I decided to cut everything off and only eat fruits and veggies. Ever since then I have been like this and now I want to be skinnier because my mom just told me today that all I can think about is food. Honestly I can’t blame anyone here bc I am the bad person. My attitude ruins everything. Plus I can’t socially connect with people bc of stuff when u was younger. I always wonder why I’m not enough. Something I do is rant on about this to myself at night. I wonder if I’m crazy sometimes. This is my first time ranting like this and I have to go to sleep bc my parents are fighting and my dad is probably going to yell at me and he literally just asked me if I thought he was my dad or not. I really just want someone to understand me.

• July 16, 2023