last april, i was sleeping. all of a sudden i softly woke up. i felt someone touching me and to this day, i still havent told anyone. i dont know who it was either. but it still haunts me to this day.

I am afraid that I will be the monster my own mother is. That all of my hard work is for nothing. She has schizoaffective disorder and is a shell of her old self. Stopped taking meds years ago. The woman who raised me, inspired me, and broke me is not there anymore. I love her, but she beat me, mocked me, used me, and took everything from me. She’s violent, cruel, and often goes on ramblings that don’t even make sense. I was diagnosed with CPTSD and a few other interesting acronyms. I am being asked to have an evaluation done again. I am afraid that with the symptoms I am experiencing, I may be schizophrenic. And I don’t know if I can live with this disease. I see, hear, and feel things that aren’t there. I can’t sleep at night. Sometimes these things are so vivid, I don’t even realize that it isn’t real until long after I interacted with it. I used to be able to tell, but seeing this happen less and less scares me. The thought of sharing the same fate as her sickens me. The thought that the same disease that took her once brilliant mind away may already be in my own skull bothers me. She hurt everyone around her who loves her. My deepest and darkest fear is to be the father who failed to leave that behind. That my own children will come to hate me for what I have done. I have been reassured that there are many who have this diagnosis live a meaningful life. But I don’t know if I can choose to willingly go on. I don’t want to put my wife through what my dad did being married to my mother and our children through what I did. It’s this fear that is stopping me from getting checked and medicated as I need to be.

• June 11, 2023