I’m extremely suicidal. I don’t plan my life as if I’m going to grow old. I live in the now and enjoy what I can. But it’s not enough. I’m going to be 23 in August, actually my golden birthday, im just not sure if I’ll see it. I keep telling myself one more tomorrow and it’s gotten me this far. Anyways I’m planning a trip to Portland and Seattle. But I don’t think I want to come home anymore. I looked up paths to get me to the Oceanside and see what I’ve always wanted to see. Maybe I’ll find my home there. Maybe the universe will take me back. Idk I just wanted to get that off my chest. Maybe I’ll come back to my home here or I’ll never come back. At least I will have finally made it to the cities I adore

I hate the smell if perfume because I don't remember a lot of my childhood. I only remember about 4 different parts, a birthday party were my brother was crying because he didn't want to grow up, my grandma yelling at me for not finishing my spaghetti, my brother getting bitten by a dog, and being sexually assaulted. I was sexually assaulted from around ages 4-7/8 (can't remember when it stopped) by my 14 year old cousin. He disguised it as a game by telling me that we were going to play "prince and princess" he would kiss me like I was his actual lover. He would kiss me and touch my waist and he held me really close. And when he was done he made me slap him and "pretend like we were breaking up" I never really understood that part and then the process repeated again every time he came by for 4 years. I think thats why I can't remember my childhood. I remember one day he didn't make me slap him, he cried really hard and told me he was sorry and I just kind of stood there. Later in life, I was sexually assaulted again when I was asleep. I was 11 or 12 and it way in may. I was sexually assaulted three times during that month by my uncle who was staying with us at the time and I think if I didn't wake up something worse would have happened. He was drunk, so he couldn't remember anything the day later and I never confronted him about it. I am still young, I'm 13 and I don't know if I want help. I've asked friends and they always tell me to go to the police but I don't want to, no one will believe me. Is it wrong that I forgave my uncle but not my cousin? My uncle didn't remember it but my cousin knew he was doing something wrong. I really needed to get this off my chest, it's really hard. Sometimes my mom will ask me "Do you remember your cousin ______" (we lived in Mexico when he assaulted me, we're in the US now) and I panic. I always tell her no and she passes it off as the fact that I have a lot of cousins but I remember him very vividly. I remember it all very vividly and now I can't wear perfume because whenever I do I'm reminded that my first kiss was stolen from me and if I was a little older something else would've been stolen too. He always kissed me in the garage, where my aunt ran a perfume shop. I hate the smell of perfume.

• June 29, 2023