this isn’t much of a secret but i’ve hated my dad for a long time, i know that’s a harsh thing to say but it’s true. He’s never been there for me and even if he was, he didn’t do much. my mum is struggling with money and he doesn’t help, the agreement when they spilt up was that he’d give her money in order for her to pay for things for me and my brother. Now don’t think of my mum as an angel because she does stuff that is out of order. Now what sucks is that whenever i try to tell people how i feel they just shut me down, keep in mind they ask me to open up even though i hate it. So yeah, i don’t really know how to cope, my life is far from good. My friend tried to unalive herself which put me in a bad state. My grandad is slowly dying and he won’t accept that he is. I’m struggling to sleep, at most i’ll get 4 hours. And i really feel like shit. I don’t know what to do anymore…

My parents split up in August of 2018. I was so mad at him for everything he did to me and my family, including my mom. He chose hard drugs, and to cheat on my mom with her childhood bestfriend. I texted him once in a while, because I was 15 and I wanted to make sure my dad knew I didn’t hate him. Then I cut off contact with him after seeing him again in December and hugging him for the last time. I was never able to see him. In March 2021, (my room was right beside the front door) I took a nap at 6pm and woke up at 8pm, to the front door being opened and my mom talking at the door, my grandma was crying and my siblings were upstairs. I was so confused and my grandma comforted me while crying, I asked her if my dad was dead. She said “yes my girl.. he killed himself..” I was in shock at first and I let out the most blood curdling cry. I regret not talking to him. I believe that it’s my fault he’s dead, because I didn’t talk to him. I have the last message he sent to me, and I read it almost every day. I wish I could have done something to save him. Maybe I could have stopped him.

• August 5, 2023